Tom pulled himself up to standing last Tuesday, but not to his full height. Yesterday he managed to get up to his full height. Today, using me as a prop to balance on he shuffled forward a couple of steps.
Today hasn’t been good. Within five minutes of waking up this morning I developed a headache that wouldn’t go away. Paracetamol wouldn’t shift it, lying down with my eyes closed helped, standing up and moving about made me feel nauseous.
I have spent most of the day lying on the sofa wishing for Tom’s next nap time so I could go to sleep, I’ve been putting him down too early and picking him up from his naps late. I’ve not been able to play with him today or keep him entertained. By the time Simon got home we were both tired and miserable and on the verge of tears. Tom’s been fed, watered, changed and put to bed. I have been fed, watered am changed and I’m going to put myself to bed now.
My sweet, always smiling, never complaining baby is disappearing. Over the last couple of days he has taken to screaming or crying when he realises that he can’t see one of us when he feels he should. He’s also developing opinions and likes, he sobbed his heart out when I took his hairbrush off him this afternoon, thankfully he was mollified by a teething toy.
In his defence he is teething, teeth 5 and 6 are appearing simultaneously alongside his top two front teeth which can’t be much fun.
But it’s all part of growing up apparently, he’s more aware that we can disappear and he doesn’t like it, unless it’s on his terms when he is exploring, but even then he seems to take stock every so often realise that he can’t see or hear either me or Simon and burst into tears. As quickly as those tears come they disappear with being swept up for a cuddle.
Tom has also become shy. Well shy for him which is not very, but he’s no long happy to smile at all about him. We went to my Mum’s yesterday, my brother and niece were there too. Patrick my brother gave Tom a cuddle as we came through the door which proved to be a mistake as the next time Tom saw Patrick he burst into tears, we all laughed which didn’t help, poor Tom was most put out. Tom spent the rest of the day being very wary of his uncle, in two minds as to whether he was horrified by Patrick or would tolerate him. I played a version of “What Time Is It, Mr Wolf?” with Tom in my arms, creeping up to Patrick to show that he is a safe, if silly, curly-haired uncle. It worked but not completely, I think it will take Tom time to take to him.
He is of course, happy most of the time. He loves to follow me about the house as we potter through the day. He is getting more adept at crawling with each day. He stretches out his legs going on tiptoe, it won’t be long until he works out how to pull himself up to standing and yet a new era in our lives will begin
Tom turns 9months tomorrow, he is a big sturdy lad, crawling, trying to work out how to pull himself up and he’s loosing interest in being breastfed, so I decided now was the time to hang up the nursing bras (where hang up = bin). In order not to have incredible exploding boobies and a very miserable child we are loosing one feed at a time. Today we started with the 11am(ish) feed. It went well, Tom was very happy to messily drink his formula from the cup and I didn’t feel uncomfy until it was nearly time for his next feed.
So why did it make me cry? It’s the beginning of the end of an era. It’s such a special feeling a successful and comforting feed, the senses are engaged but it is not sensual in any sexual sense of the word and I am going to lose that, I will not longer have that special place in Tom’s life, giving him something that only I can give him and it feels like the first step to loosing him. How I feel is partially stupid, partially rational and partially driven by hormones I know but I will miss it, sticking with the feeding through the really hard days was the best thing I did for me, for my health and sense of well being and for my sense of worth, even at my lowest points I had the breastfeeding, knowing that I mattered to my child.
I will miss it and the excuse to eat as many chocolate biscuits as I like but the time has come, for Tom the health benefits of my milk over formula are minimal now, he will still get as many cuddles as he did before if not more and he is losing interest, easily distracted and feeding for shorter periods. For me although I loose the being able to eat anything I want but hopefully that will be balanced out by no longer feeling ravenous half the time. I benefit by being able to wear normal bras again and I will have a menstrual cycle again and all that it could possibly entail, which after all this time 18/19 months will be nice.